i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
