I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
