Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
