Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
