note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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