She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
