My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
