i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
