if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
