He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize