enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
