Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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