: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
why do cheetos always look like penises
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
