I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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