i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
two words...techno handjob
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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