I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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