If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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