it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My vagina just clenched in fear
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
