That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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