I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
