Pappa wants mamma naked
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Randomize
