So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Barsexuality is the new black.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
