I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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