Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
