What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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