We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
