first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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