I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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