I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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