So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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