You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We were destined to go to rehab together
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
