This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize