for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
