Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
