Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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