the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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