Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
