all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
