i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
