my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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