Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
