On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
