I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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