is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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