So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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