I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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