I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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