no, he came in my armpit
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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