The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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