currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
