I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
time to smoke my breakfast
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
