false alarm. still invincible.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
