I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
