i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
