dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
