and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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