Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize