just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
