I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
