I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
