Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
