Yo dont text me then not text me
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
