If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
