Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
